Re-entering the workforce post-career break: insights from first anniversary

June marked the first anniversary of my return to work after ending a 15-month career break of seismic emotional and spiritual proportions that redefined my sense of self. A year ago, I knew that re-entering the workforce, and more specifically corporate America, was my soul’s calling to recreate myself and evolve in an environment that charmed me and triggered me throughout my 20-year career. Re-entering a familiar establishment was an exercise in trusting my intuition: I trusted that a re-entry to what felt safe and recognizable was the respite I needed after months of experimentation with full-time wanderlust, rest, and a shrieking savings account. Feeling fresher, self-expressed, empowered, and more self-aware than ever, I was willing and eager to integrate my newfound ways of being into the halls of a competitive, fast-paced, profit-driven, logic-loving institution. The ride has been thrilling: it’s been one the best years of my career. And though I have so much to celebrate, the integration of new me into that familiar space hasn’t always been smooth.

Alongside moments of joy, flow, creativity, and connection, the demands of work triggered old patterns of overdoing and perfectionism, often leaving me feeling tired and sometimes negative. But this first anniversary feels celebratory, and with work as a backdrop for body-mind-soul expansion, I’m here to tell the ups and downs of my continuous evolution into embracing all parts of me: the masculine, the feminine, the light, the darkness, and all shades of growth. 

Masculine and feminine principles

One of the greatest gifts of my career break was discovering the concepts of divine feminine and divine masculine, both ancient spiritual and philosophical traditions as old as humankind itself. Feminine and masculine are life forces and consciousness levels that exist within all human beings, regardless of the sex we are born with. They complement each other, and harmonizing them helps us feel more balanced, allowing us to experience greater well-being and leading to more fulfilling lives.  Learning about my feminine and masculine parts became an important foundation for how I relate to the world around me, distill my life experiences, and understand my modus operandi (aka MO).

The feminine relates to creation—not just birthing children but generating ideas, innovation, new perspectives, and artistic expression. Intuition, emotions, healing, nurturing, introspection, connection to nature, and sensuality live in the feminine realm. Sensuality is not necessarily about sexuality (though sexuality is certainly one of its expressions) but about being attuned to the senses, connected to the sensations in the body that inform us if we’re in or out of alignment with our values. When open to feminine experiences, one can feel pleasure, joy, and a profound connection to the world around us.  

The masculine relates with taking action to get things done. It’s also about displaying logic, rational thinking, structure, and focus. It relates to being assertive, showcasing strength (physical, mental, emotional), discipline, and leadership. When well-balanced, the masculine helps us move forward and bring our ambitions and plans to fruition.

Internalizing the masculine

In my career break, I became conscious that for most of my life, I internalized society’s narrative that the masculine is more valuable than the feminine. Joining the corporate world in Brazil and the U.S. exacerbated this misconception. Filled with masculine-driven values, corporate was a fertile ground for sprucing up a very imbalanced version of myself. Mine was the “weaker” sex, and to succeed in a male-dominated workplace, and with few feminine role models, I had to be, talk, and act like the male leaders I worked with. That meant being serious, confident, analytical, and bold. But not too bold or aggressive to make others feel scared because I also had to be nurturing and kind as a woman. And not too empathetic because that was considered weak. I had to be smart and charming but cautious not to intimidate other women and avoid being disrespected by men. It was all so confusing. 

Cultural values

When I moved to the U.S., I also felt the need to fit into the cultural demands of my adopted country, its professionalism standards, the conservative dress code of the energy industry, a constant focus on goals, outcomes and winning, and a communication style that prizes clarity and conciseness. I’m not saying these are bad; I thrive on creating structured plans with clear tasks and goals. My point is that I wasn’t exactly wired to function like that for most of my day, for I also prize spontaneity, inspiration, and daytime dreaming. From a self-expression standpoint, I felt I had to bottle up my bubbly personality and conceal my personal life – I was even afraid to say “I love you” to my husband when we spoke on the phone in front of my colleagues. I had to communicate in “corporate language,” which to me meant toning down on passion, hiding hesitation, and using linear thinking. But that’s hard: how do you stop champagne from fizzing? 

Gender-bias

Psychologically speaking, we often unconsciously gravitate towards repeating old patterns because they feel familiar to us. Because of constant criticism during my childhood, it’s no coincidence that I chose workplaces that triggered familiar feelings of inadequacy. Once a male boss with whom I had a good relationship praised my stellar performance but explicitly told me to tone down my “boisterous” personality. I asked for clarification, but he was unable to elaborate on what he meant by that remark. Did I laugh too much? Did I ask too many questions or questions I wasn’t supposed to ask? Deprived of tools to recognize that being “boisterous” was not constructive criticism but straight-out gender and cultural bias, I interpreted that comment as “I’m inadequate.” Being me didn’t feel safe: I could lose the respect of my peers and superiors, even my job. 

Sometimes, I felt obligated to swap my colorful fashion choices for dark-colored outfits to conform to the standards of the industries I worked in. Once, while trying to get by in a place that was a terrible match to my soul, I even chose a black-and-white photo for my LinkedIn profile, a picture devoid of my characteristic big smile, presenting a more subdued appearance. Unconsciously, that photograph reflected how I felt inside: colorless, dry, depleted, scared. 

Moreover, the narrative from my family and social upbringing instilled in me a fear of authority. Over the course of my career, this fear became a self-fulfilling prophecy. I encountered managers—both male and female—who exerted authority through yelling, who directly told me “never tell your boss you’re overwhelmed,” who used manipulation or micromanagement tactics, and who were often disconnected and self-absorbed.

The body knows when you’re out of alignment

My survival instincts pushed my masculine tendencies into overdrive. In practice, this all meant that I worked very hard to deliver my projects to the finish line and prove my worth, negating rest, and overlooking health issues. My body frequently sent me signs that something was off via back pain, panic attacks and digestive malfunction. On a couple of occasions, I experienced severe burnout. For instance, embracing workaholism toppled with a lack of boundaries in my personal life (all signs of an imbalanced masculine) led me to undergo lower-back surgery at the tender age of 31. As a result, I was forced to take a four-month medical leave. Despite vowing to slow down, I quickly reverted to familiar patterns once I returned to work. I had to “be strong, don’t give up, get things done, and stop whining!” 

A dangerous compromise

In sum, I had come to accept that the corporate world was a space filled with compromises—a place where I could leverage my talents to achieve a comfortable living and societal status, but also had to accept the high value placed on performance and busyness. A place I had to conceal parts of my identity to fit in, though I felt I constantly failed at keeping me in check. For someone who values freedom as much as I do, corporate often felt restraining. All things considered, even though I experienced seasons of flow and growth, I frequently felt out of balance. There is no doubt why I constantly fantasized about a big escape where I didn’t have to think about work and could just travel forever to savor the world.

Engines turning

My journey toward embracing my uniqueness began in a chaotic workplace where disrespect, gossip, and a 24/7 work mentality were the norm. The catalyst was a comment from a colleague who unapologetically let her vibrant personality shine. She was an outspoken French Canadian with an accent, incredibly smart and funny, who loved to praise her beautiful long hair—and I admired all those things about her. On a business dinner over oysters and wine, we laughed and shared stories about our careers and personal lives. And here I’ll paraphrase the comment she made later that evening: “I had no idea you were so fun. Why don’t I see this more relaxed, carefree, authentic side of yourself in our meetings?” I was startled, my ears buzzing. Her comment made me feel vulnerable: she could see through my cracks. In hindsight, that comment was an opening, the start of a long journey where I could write myself a permission slip to be me. 

I left that role and moved to another organization within the same company. There, I worked with a caring, respectful, kind team that made me feel seen and heard. The underlying culture was one of psychological safety. My hours weren’t so chaotic, so there was time to rest and engage in introspection. Less than a year in, the Covid-19 pandemic broke out, along with a restructure in my workplace. Seeking spiritual nurturing, I registered in Create Work You Love by Vanessa Loder, a course that helped me reconnect to the whispers of my soul. My soul then told me that I needed a break from work to figure out what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.

Career break: a container of re-creation

My job was impacted in the restructure, but I was given a chance to stay in a different role or take the severance package. I chose the latter. At 45, with the pandemic still raging chaos, I took a leap of faith and traveled solo to Europe to fulfill life-long dreams. With loved ones initially unsupportive of my career break and long solo travels, I had to confront deeply held beliefs that I had to “be nice” and not disappoint others. But the deliciousness of my sensory-filled travels was the perfect prophylaxis to start mending my internal disconnects. I spent four months consuming beauty, joy, and awe for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

For 10 out of 15 months, I navigated life at home without work, and that chapter came with its own challenges. I was so hard-wired to being busy and crossing off to-do lists that it was difficult to feel inner peace and contentment with just being: I had to be in doing mode to feel productive. Resting, “doing nothing,” was hard. However, without work to keep me busy, I had time to process things like childhood trauma and the difficult emotions that arose with them, but instead of walking away I chose to dive deep inside myself. I knew I had to re-signify my experiences and let go of what no longer served me, like the need to be perfect, to fit in, or sound and behave like someone I was not.

Embodying the wild woman archetype

I created space for introspection and up-leveled my self-awareness and mindfulness practices with meditation, coaching, journaling, self-help books, and weekend getaways in nature, which helped unpack many blind spots that kept me bound to feelings of inadequacy or not being enough. Little by little, I nurtured myself with doses of self-love until I could feel admiration and respect for who I am. Unknowingly, I was activating the wild woman archetype, which is not about being untamed and uncontrollable, but about accepting the wholeness of being, honoring instincts, emotions and winner wisdom. By the end of my break, I had crossed a portal, and a newer, more feminine, empowered version of myself emerged on the other side: tuned to the feelings in my body, embracing my imperfections, connected to my intuition, beaming with creative ideas, and with a greater appreciation for all of me. Though I was far from nirvana, I was able to experience life from a more loving and kind lens.

Re-entering the workforce: heart vs mind-based decision

During my early career break, I contemplated leaving corporate life to pursue a completely different career path. However, one of the most valuable lessons I learned during my time away from work is that it’s okay to prioritize what feels secure and comfortable. So, I decided to return to the corporate world, but with a fresh perspective on what my work life could be and how I would show up. I would find work that excited me and vowed never to return to a place where I felt constrained in expressing my personality, where disrespect prevailed, and burnout culture were the norm. In tune with my intuition, I could easily identify red flags during my job interviews.

The job search period had trials and tribulations, but embodying my restored feminine principles and balancing my go-getter masculine energy allowed me to find my current job. When the opportunity presented itself, I instantly knew it was the right one. The role matched my interests in marketing communications strategy and storytelling, giving me the chance to work in a growing global environment with people I felt connected with and who seemed grounded, easy-going, respectful, and caring. Even if the pay was less than my market potential or if I still had to go to the office twice a week as opposed to working remotely as I had initially wished, I felt the tingling sensation in my body that comes with a resounding “hell yes.” Salary, a sign of a mind-based approach, wasn’t the determinant (thought it was an important one, but I was willing to make concessions). Joy was the key data point informing me that that job offer was for my highest good.

In flow

Within my first week at work, I decorated my office space, the first time in my career. I belonged now, and that sense of belonging came not from outside of me but from me: I felt empowered and safe to be me. My decoration choices were intentional reminders to stay true to myself: a butterfly illustration symbolized the rebirth of my expanded self, a table globe honored my dreams and adventurous spirit, the Wall Street bull personified the stamina to achieve my goals in a profit-driven organization, and live plants meant to keep me grounded and connected to nature, my senses, and my instincts.

For the next several months, I felt like I was in constant flow.  People were kind and made me feel welcome. I was learning fast in a new industry, with ideas abundantly pouring out of me. My colleagues listened, and my manager gave me the green light to bring them to fruition. Besides being smart and fun, my boss genuinely cared. She assigned me projects that perfectly matched my interests and skills, and when I asked for help, she made me feel supported.

Most importantly, I now show up with a newfound sense of balance and trust in my abilities. In a heavy tech, engineering, and male-dominated culture, I feel comfortable being my bubbly self. Instead of fear of judgment, I feel a great sense of freedom. I’m comfortable sharing my growth journey and career break adventures without the pangs of “vulnerability hangover,” a term coined by Dr. Brené Brown to describe the discomfort we feel when we take emotional risks. It feels like reparation; this was how I wished I had always been since entering the workforce over 20 years ago.

An empowered woman will empower others – leading the Women’s Impact Network

Encapsulated by that frequency of empowerment, I accepted an invitation to lead the local chapter of the Women’s Impact Network, a volunteer employee resource group with a mission to attract, develop, and retain the women at my company – another “hell, yes!”

I shared my vision about what I wanted to bring to the organization and encountered no pushbacks.  As its President, I now organize monthly events focused on authentic leadership, drawing over 100 attendees. These events aim to help our members embrace their uniqueness and lead more empowered, fulfilling careers and lives. I have moderated sessions and organized panels on sensitive topics like imposter syndrome, allowing senior leaders – men and women – to showcase their vulnerability and inspire our workforce. I’m helping create a space where other women shine, a place where we can share our struggles and wins to foster a culture of psychological safety.

Triggers and masculine overdrive

In my first six months after re-entering the workforce, I nailed the game of balancing my energy for work and personal life, creating time for blog writing, tennis matches, daily walks, rest, and quality time with my husband and friends. My manager gave me flexibility to meet my goals and my work hours were reasonable. However, as responsibilities increased, business trips became more frequent, and deadlines approached, stress naturally built up. The old software programmed to operate in an intensive “get-things-done” mode was reactivated, and JulianO, the inner dude who helps me cross the finish line, powered on.

I began to feel uneasy, and the warning signs piled up. On most weeknights, I was exhausted by 7pm and had little energy to spend time with people outside of work. Sleep wasn’t restful, and my way to cope with this low-grade anxiety came with classic numbing moves: an extra glass or two of wine over dinner, TV-binging, loads of potato chips, and a resulting weight gain.

Establishing my grounding principles

I reached out to my career break coach and my personal “board of directors” for help, including my soul sister community—a group of high-achieving career women with whom I share deep connections and can discuss anything without fear of judgment. From those interactions, I came up with my word for 2024 (“breathe”) and grounding principles, a blueprint to live a joyful and balanced year. That guidance has helped, but the reality is that work occupies an enormous amount of my mind space and I still haven’t quite nailed embracing a busy lifestyle. While I mostly operate in my zone of genius doing work I enjoy, the intense eight to nine-hour days combined with the demands of my personal life have sometimes forced me to hit pause and restore my sanity (read “Rest is my divine right”). 

Setting boundaries and calling out systemic injustices

I’m not being naive here: corporate will extract from you as much as you’re willing to give, or even more. Corporate and grind culture are interlaced, and that is part of the contract one signs when one enters it. As Tricia Hersey pointedly calls out in “Rest is Resistance,” “capitalism has cornered us in such a way what we only can comprehend two options: 1. Work at a machine level, from a disconnected and exhausted place, or 2: Make space for rest and space to connect with our highest selves while fearing how we will eat and live. This rigid binary system (…) keeps us in place of sleep deprivation and constant hustling to survive.”

Therefore, we must be brave to push back against a system that believes that rest is a luxury. We must learn to set boundaries and rest in small and big ways: negotiate deadlines, take time off during the day to recharge, push back on meetings outside of work hours, not immediately respond to text and emails, support work from home policies, take vacation, and while at it, unapologetically disconnect from work.

Corporate environments can also unintentionally or deliberately contribute to making women, people of color and minority groups feel undervalued and marginalized through microagressions, double standards and lack of representation. Gender and cultural bias are real and often disguised as coded language to suppress our uniqueness, for workplaces are reflecting pools of the patriarchal values that dominate governments, religions and family systems. So it’s imperative we recognize these systems of oppression and call them out.

Gratitude and vigilance

A year into my new job, I’ve experienced tremendous breakthroughs in self-expression (feminine) and leadership (masculine), but integrating these two principles is a constant dance, a choreography I don’t yet fully grasp. If my career break was a portal that allowed me to accept myself as inherently divine, worthy of love and belonging, my current chapter in corporate America is the container to continue developing myself while being cautious not to sacrifice my mental, physical, and spiritual health. It’s a game of wins and losses.

All things considered, I’m extremely grateful for the gifts that corporate brings me and the opportunities it offers me to grow not just professionally, but also emotionally and spiritually. Re-entering corporate America was the right choice for me, but I recognize that I must be vigilant to override my tendency to default to outdated perfectionist ideals and unconscious programs that associate being busy with being valuable.

I have to honor the part of myself that values responsibility and hard work, while ensuring I act responsibly in the pursuit of my own well-being. I must call in my wild woman archetype to integrate laughter, pleasure, spontaneity and rest when I’m in overdoing mode and end up succumbing to exhaustion and the pressures of grind culture. She’s the medicine, the reminder that I’m as whole, complete and extraordinary as the natural world she inhabits. She’s the maestro who orchestrates the sacred dance between my powerful masculine that thrives on action, and my creative, intuitive, and receptive feminine that shines with humanity and divinity.